[Felix's tone worries him. It forces something in his throat that makes it hard to swallow. He knew it had to be bad but.. that bad?
Dimitri shakes his head. No, no. He can't turn back from this.] I want to know. There's a point in my memory where I lose you... and you never come back. And I know I wasn't in my right mind at one point, but you were gone even before then. It's never felt right.
[ Felix has never been one for tact - but he hears the worry in Dimitri's voice and he wishes he was.
He doesn't even know where to begin, so he just. Starts. ] I wasn't there because I left you. [ He reaches over to take Dimitri's hand. (it's as much for dimitri as it is for himself.) ] Do you remember that mercenary that taught the Golden Deer house? I wanted to learn their techniques, so I transferred to their class after the Battle of the Eagle and Lion.
Everything went south after that. Remire Village, the incident at the abandoned chapel... and then, Edelgard declared war. [ Each word, he says slowly, watching Dimitri's expression. ] After Garreg Mach fell, Cornelia declared you dead. So I tried to go on with my life. [ Like what he did with Glenn. ] But you weren't dead. I saw you one last time, at Gronder Field.
[ He presses his other hand to his forehead. ] I still can't forget the look in your eye. You didn't even look at me - you only saw an obstacle in your path to Edelgard.
And then you died. [ A lump forms in his throat. ] I wasn't so foolish as to think I could have saved you from your fate. [ a lie. ] ... But I still wondered if I could've done something.
I see. [Dimitri's voice is small. It's a lot to take in. Of course it is. It hurts knowing now that Felix's absence was due to him leaving. At the same time, though, Dimitri prefers the truth as it is. Felix leaving his side was for the better; Dimitri would have only led him to his death if he'd stayed. He would have died just like Dimitri had assumed all this time.
After all, Dimitri remembers bits and pieces of Grondor Field and Felix is not one of those pieces. He must have really looked right through him. At least he hadn't killed him himself. At least. His hand trembles in Felix's.]
But Felix, I - I want you to want to be here with me. [He blinks quickly, blinking back the wetness that seems to have come from no where.] If you're here with me, I want it to be because you want to not because you owe me.
[ Felix's hand tightens around Dimitri's, to try and quell the tremors. ]
I know we aren't. And I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. [ But for all he talked about not letting the dead dictate the lives of the living, he's been following Dimitri's ghost for a long time. ]
But I've seen you at your worst. I wasn't there for you when you needed me. [ Dedue, Ingrid, even Sylvain stayed. But not him. He- he-- ] I'm not going to repeat that mistake.
[ Without thought or hesitation, Felix gently tugs Dimitri down, cradling his head against his shoulder. ]
You won't. [ He blinks back his own tears as he noses into his hair.
(at a later date, he might find it funny how much their roles reversed - how even when they first met in this life, dimitri comforted him, and now it was his turn after being the one that hurt his heart in the first place.) ] Like we've been saying - we're not who we were. You're not... [ the boar.
He stops himself there. Takes a breath. ] I'll say it again - I'm not leaving you alone. This time, I'm here for you. [ And that's that. ]
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Dimitri shakes his head. No, no. He can't turn back from this.] I want to know. There's a point in my memory where I lose you... and you never come back. And I know I wasn't in my right mind at one point, but you were gone even before then. It's never felt right.
no subject
He doesn't even know where to begin, so he just. Starts. ] I wasn't there because I left you. [ He reaches over to take Dimitri's hand. (it's as much for dimitri as it is for himself.) ] Do you remember that mercenary that taught the Golden Deer house? I wanted to learn their techniques, so I transferred to their class after the Battle of the Eagle and Lion.
Everything went south after that. Remire Village, the incident at the abandoned chapel... and then, Edelgard declared war. [ Each word, he says slowly, watching Dimitri's expression. ] After Garreg Mach fell, Cornelia declared you dead. So I tried to go on with my life. [ Like what he did with Glenn. ] But you weren't dead. I saw you one last time, at Gronder Field.
[ He presses his other hand to his forehead. ] I still can't forget the look in your eye. You didn't even look at me - you only saw an obstacle in your path to Edelgard.
And then you died. [ A lump forms in his throat. ] I wasn't so foolish as to think I could have saved you from your fate. [ a lie. ] ... But I still wondered if I could've done something.
That's why I owe you.
no subject
After all, Dimitri remembers bits and pieces of Grondor Field and Felix is not one of those pieces. He must have really looked right through him. At least he hadn't killed him himself. At least. His hand trembles in Felix's.]
But Felix, I - I want you to want to be here with me. [He blinks quickly, blinking back the wetness that seems to have come from no where.] If you're here with me, I want it to be because you want to not because you owe me.
We are not the same as we were.
no subject
I know we aren't. And I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. [ But for all he talked about not letting the dead dictate the lives of the living, he's been following Dimitri's ghost for a long time. ]
But I've seen you at your worst. I wasn't there for you when you needed me. [ Dedue, Ingrid, even Sylvain stayed. But not him. He- he-- ] I'm not going to repeat that mistake.
no subject
I hope to never give you cause to.
no subject
You won't. [ He blinks back his own tears as he noses into his hair.
(at a later date, he might find it funny how much their roles reversed - how even when they first met in this life, dimitri comforted him, and now it was his turn after being the one that hurt his heart in the first place.) ] Like we've been saying - we're not who we were. You're not... [ the boar.
He stops himself there. Takes a breath. ] I'll say it again - I'm not leaving you alone. This time, I'm here for you. [ And that's that. ]